Swag Rankings: Ohio State Buckeyes Men’s BasketballPosted: March 2, 2012
Welcome to the first in a running series on Scrawl So Hard where I examine the swag of a particular team, religious cult, or Mob Wives season. As a licensed swagologist, my qualifications are threefold:
- I was one of two Caucasian males to attend the Ohio Homecoming on December 26, 2011. If you are unconvinced of the swag required to pull this off, here is a video from the event. What this failed to capture was the West Side Story-esque brawl that broke out on the main dance floor. You can assume that I had a major role in reconciling the two sides.
- I have never succumbed to playing FarmVille, purchasing outerwear from Kohl’s, or bending the brim of my snapback.
- In what was the third most important development of Christmas Break 2011 (after the Ohio Homecoming and losing my red velvet cake fro-yo virginity), I received a pair of Beats by Dr. Dre headphones, which had previously been the single glaring omission on my otherwise impeccable résumé. Experts deemed this the “monkey off my back” moment.
My first assignment was to rank the swag of the Buckeye ballers. For comedy’s sake, both players and coaches were eligible. While slightly less scientific than the BCS, the list was compiled through the combination of widespread contemporary formulas and a little-known ancient techniques. Here are my findings:
Update: Upon being showered with gifts by Jared Sullinger, which primarily consisted of Miley Cyrus paraphernalia, the Committee on Infractions had no choice but to exclude him from the exercise. It is believed that he did this in an attempt to beat out former high school teammate J.D. Weatherspoon.
10. Chris Jent, Assistant Coach
From 2006-2011, Jent was on the Cavs’ coaching staff. This means he spent 2.5 seasons attending the same practices/games, flying on the same planes, and sleeping in the same hotels as Delonte West. The previous point cannot be stressed enough. Through osmosis, Jent must have absorbed a considerable amount of swag.
9. Trey McDonald, Center
I’ve always felt Trey was one of the more under-utilized first names in the American lexicon after Matthew. Many hours of mine have been devoted to contemplating naming my first son Trey and having him father a long line of subsequent Treys, just so when my great-grandson made a basket from beyond the arc the play-by-play announcer would be forced to say, “Trey Borcas III for three!”
8. LaQuinton Ross, Forward
LaQuinton’s ranking comes by default, as he is the only Buckeye with two capital letters in his first name. (Sorry Spoon, but initials don’t count.)
7. Jeff Boals, Assistant Coach
Despite being Greg Paulus’ elder, Boals feels like the child of the coaching staff. He has always reminded me of the parent that chaperones school dances to look cool in front of his kid’s friends—who love him—even though it embarrasses the hell out of his son, who’s awkwardly moving to Lil Jon’s “Get Low” and staying as far away as possible from dad.
6. Amir Williams, Center
While I’m not as big on the name Amir as I am Trey, my second favorite Backyard Sports (remember the computer games?) player of all-time—after Pablo Sanchez, of course— was Amir Khan. Overshadowed by his party-rocking brother Achmed, Amir never seemed to get his due, so consider this recompense. In the case of Amir Williams, this tweet justifies his ranking:
So does this one:
5. Aaron Craft, Guard
The Lantern’s Valentine’s Day exposé on Craft’s love life contained this gem:
[Craft’s girlfriend] said she and Craft have had a lot of great dates throughout the years, but Wildlights at the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium and a Zac Brown Band concert were her favorite.
Wildlights + Zoo + Zac Brown Band = #SWAG
4. Evan Ravenel, Forward
Evan’s Twitter lists his location as “TampaBostonColumbus”, which puts Houstalantavegas to shame. E-Rav is also in my Stats 135 class and unquestionably has the most swag in the room on the days I skip class.
3. Greg Paulus, Video Coordinator
You have to possess an inordinate amount of self-confidence to attempt a flop like this. It baffles me that Paulus isn’t taking an additional thirty minutes after each practice to go over the art of drawing a charge.
2. Alex Rogers, Guard
I’ve been campaigning for the Buckeye Nuthouse to be rechristened as “Alex Rogers’ Neighborhood” ever since arriving on campus. Unfortunately, this movement has yet to gain traction among the student section’s higher-ups. I guess when you’re related to this guy, the swag speaks for itself:
1. J.D. Weatherspoon, Forward
No debate here. Whether he’s chowing-down on some General Tso’s chicken in the MarketPlace or posting up on Cody Zeller, Spoon manages to live his life with the swag of Lil B the Based God. The “WeWorkin/Squad” crew is already legendary at Long Street and his ratio of minutes played to SportsCenter Top 10 appearances is unprecedented. When in doubt, hit ‘em wit the Spoony:
(Others receiving votes: Sam Thompson, Deshaun Thomas, Thad Matta)