On Project X

I like to think of Project X as The Catcher in the Rye’s cinematic offspring— both serve as their era’s defining representation of teenage angst.  (Taking the comparison two steps further, one would expect the film to end up on banned-movie lists everywhere and for a sociopathic killer to clutch onto the Blu-Ray disc as he’s being arrested.)  Accordingly, I felt the urge to attend a midnight showing and jot down some notes.  Here’s what transpired:

  • Even before seeing Project X, I’ve pegged it as the third most important movie of my lifetime, barely being edged out by White Chicks and Barbershop 2: Back in Business.  That’s what I call “rarefied air”.
  • The man in front of me is wearing a sombrero.  You’d think he’d have the courtesy to remove it inside the theater.  You’d think wrong!
  • I pat myself on the back for successfully smuggling in a smoothie from Berry Blendz.  Sombrero Guy looks unimpressed.
  • The first preview is for The Hunger Games.  From what I gather, it’s the Triwizard Tournament meets dogfighting.
  • Movie’s starting!  We will be viewing the daylong exploits of Thomas, Costa, and J.B. through the handheld camera of Dax.  Thomas’ parents are out of town and it’s his birthday, so Costa wants to throw him a party.  What is the goal of this party, you ask?  Costa is happy to answer: “The whole idea for tonight is for bitches to recognize us as large-scale ballers.”  If there’s ever been a nobler cause than this, I have yet to find it.
  • Costa has two stipulations: “Ugly bitches stay home” and “remember to wear something tight.”  Great minds think alike— I’ve been using these caveats since my First Communion party.
  • J.B., describing his modest expectations for the night: “Get high, fuck bitches, you already know.”  This is the same approach I took to sixth grade camp.
  • The crew takes a trip to buy some “wholesale” pot.  As they enter the dealer’s garage/shed/trailer, “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt is playing.  I spent a good six minutes trying to find a funnier song for this situation (and even considered making a half-hearted argument for “Cotton Eye Joe”) but thought of nothing.
  • The twelve year-old security tag team hired by Costa look like extras from Spy Kids.
  • “Beamer, Benz or Bentley” reverberates through Thomas’ house as guests enter.  This is a good time to bring up the question “Which one of these luxury car brands do I want the most for my upcoming nineteenth birthday?”  After a heated debate, I settled on the Bentley.  I’ll give everyone a minute to write this down really quick before I compose my next bullet point………
  • As one especially attractive partygoer pulls in, J.B. mentions that she made Playboy’s Pac-12 special.  This got me thinking: Which conferences would make for the best Playboy issues?  My top five:
  1. Horizon League: You’re telling me you wouldn’t pony up $4.99 to ogle Valpo’s finest?
  2. SEC: The best of both worlds— blondes with morals.
  3. ACC: The Selection Committee respects consistent powerhouses like Miami and North Carolina.  However, recent accusations of artificial enhancement have tainted Clemson’s once-pristine reputation, so the ACC loses points here.
  4. Pac-12: I hate USC, so this is primarily due to juggernaut Arizona State.
  5. Big Ten: My bread and butter.
  • There is a midget in the oven.
  • Costa laments the presence of larger attendees.  Will the “ugly whales’” attendance affect the party’s place in North Pasadena lore? Stay tuned.
  • UPDATE: There are miracles, and then there’s the moment when Sombrero Guy decided to take off his sombrero.
  • The movie erupts in mass chaos: media helicopters overhead, Thomas’ dad’s Benz is in the pool, and everything is on fire.  Oh, and dogs are having sex with passed out humans.  This reminds me of a conversation I had on bestiality with my eleventh grade religion teacher, which centered on The Berenstain Bears.
  • A single police officer arrives on the scene—horseback.  This will calm things down.
  • Cut to Thomas, Costa, and J.B. waking up on the bleachers of a high school football field.  They seem to be at peace with how the night turned out.
  • My only real problem with Project X occurred when Thomas returned to school.  He gets all lovey-dovey with a semi-attractive (certainly not Horizon League material) student that he’s known for years and uses the cheesy “You’re the only person I want to spend my next birthday with” comment.  I wish he’d embrace his newfound popularity to upgrade in the significant other department, but I guess you can’t win ‘em all.
  • Admittedly, the movie was great.  Yet one burning question remains: Sure, Thomas, Costa, and J.B. were able to throw a decent shindig when they were given ample space.  But could they do it within the unforgiving confines of a storage unit?

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