Your Comprehensive NCAA Tournament eBay-Centric PreviewPosted: March 15, 2012
Last month I applied for media credentials that would grant my crew and I access to the second and third round NCAA Tournament games being played in Columbus this weekend. I’ve covered the 2011 MAC Tournament and this season’s Backyard Brawl—the annual slugfest between Cleveland State and Akron—so my resume spoke for itself. The only downside was being forced to choose which courtside strut to use as I ambled over to press row. But I could deal with that later. March Madness was mine for the taking.
Then a funny thing happened—the request was denied. The situation reeked of conspiracy, so I hired a team of lawyers to investigate the matter and will publish their findings here. With a bit of luck, the story will be compelling enough to generate a 30 for 30 documentary and/or a series of Outside the Lines features lionizing my plight.
I spent the next week sulking in the most therapeutic corner of the Internet: eBay. While this was not good for my bank account; you, the reader, made out big time. The following is what I believe to be the first NCAA Tournament preview based solely on online shopping:
Prediction: Louisville advances to the Final Four.
The Cardinals’ victory over Cincinnati in the Big East Tournament final was utterly unwatchable—I’ve been involved in more exciting CYO games—but their pressure-heavy defense should lead them to New Orleans. In the meantime, enjoy some Rick Pitino “RIGATION” (ed.: rigatoni?) for a mere $5.99.
Oh, nevermind…only the box is for sale. Mint condition, though!
Prediction: Xavier upsets Duke in the third round.
In case you don’t remember, Xavier’s got a bunch of gangstas in their locker room. Not thugs. They grown men over there. So don’t disrespect the Musketeers.
You can purchase Anita Plumlee’s album for $49.41. Anita, apparently an Australian (
alliteration assonance!), may or may not be related to Duke’s Miles, Mason, and Marshall Plumlee. Blue Devils fans like my boy E can listen to the soothing sounds of “Lady Elvis” while lamenting another early-round exit.
Prediction: Harvard defeats Vanderbilt in a battle of book readers.
I don’t actually believe in this prognostication, but found the eBay listing so absurd that I had to include it. Take, for instance, the price of $788.88. I will go to my grave wondering how “hobbytreasures” set this value. As my blog’s readership continues to grow, there will undoubtedly be a time when one of my former classmates auctions off a Lake Catholic High School yearbook from 2007-2011. And it better cost more than $788.88.
Prediction: Kentucky wins the national title.
eBay Item: “SIGNED 2010 MAKERS MARK JOHN CALIPARI BOTTLE UK UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY WILDCATS”
I’m going out on quite a limb here, I know. But when the confetti is falling on the Wildcats, you too can pop champagne like you won a championship ring.
Wait—“THE CONTAINER HAS NOT BEEN OPENED AND IS NOT INTENDED FOR CONSUMPTION.” Damn! At least I have the next-best drink to celebrate with.
Bonus eBay item just because: “Kevin Pittsnogle Signed Framed 8×10 Photo West Virginia WVU”
Have a great March Madness everyone, unless I’m in a bracket pool with you.