Summer of 2012: A Preview

Due to statuses (or is it stati?) like “SUMMER 2012 IS HERE <33” and “freshman year is OVAH!!” I’ve recently made a concerted effort to avoid Facebook.  One of the most demoralizing things in the world is seeing “the tanlines will fade away, but the memories will last 4eva” on your news feed when another month of school remains to be endured.  I can’t really fathom anything worse!

As they say, the next best thing to viscerally experiencing summer 2012 is previewing it in a blog post, so here goes:

Things I’m Really Excited For

My 19th Birthday Extravaganza, June 25

Will be held at a casino in Toronto.  VIP room, obviously.  The tentative slogan is “A Night of Impiety.”  What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?  Multiply that by ten and you’ll have a general idea of what this party entails.

God Forgives, I Don’t, Rick Ross, July 31

When I heard the opening lines of “I Love My Bitches”, the album’s first single, I was smitten:

A month ago, I gave a chick a hundred stacks

Straight to Neiman Marcus, young bitch had a heart attack

Never mind the fact that Rozay may have inadvertently foreshadowed his own cardiac malaise, or the song title’s fundamental relatability (Who doesn’t love their bitches?)—I felt immediately compelled to send flowers to our young protagonist’s hospital room!  This urge gave rise to the realization that I was more emotionally invested in God Forgives, I Don’t than I had been for any other album, ever.

Whatever you want to call him—the Bawse, Teflon Don, D-Boy, Trilla, etc. —2012 is undoubtedly the year of Rick Ross.  His superb mixtape, Rich Forever, had children adding Pyrex glassware to their Christmas lists while critics could only muster a dismissive “Must be Illuminati.”  With confirmed tracks “You the Boss”, “Stay Schemin’”, “9 Piece”, and the aforementioned “Bitches”, everyone will be celebrating the Boy Who Lived’s birthday with the melodic strains of the Biggest Boss Seen Thus Far.

London Olympics, Late July-Mid August

Scrawl So Hard contributor Matt Lardner chided the Olympics and, by extension, America in a recent tweet: “can’t wait to pretend I care about Olympic sports for a month this summer!”  Pretend you care?  Even Communists care about the Olympics!  Let’s be honest—after a long summer day filled with sunbathing, froyo, and perhaps even a work shift, is there anything you’d rather do than watch underage Asian girls compete on a balance beam?  I didn’t think so.

Things I’m Somewhat Excited For

Future’s Pluto Tour, Cleveland House of Blues, June 10

At this point in my life, I’ve heard Future’s songs (mostly “Racks”, “Tony Montana”, and “Magic”) at least one hundred times and still can’t make out any of the words.  This isn’t to discredit his work; Future readily acknowledges his soft spot for foreign languages by self-identifying as a Plutonian.  The Pluto tour is guaranteed to include thousands of purp-addled concertgoers slurring together syllables as they try desperately to sing along, and I want to be a part of this.

Triple F Life: Friends, Fans and Family, Waka Flocka Flame, June 12

Friends?  Fans?  Family?  These motifs don’t exactly scream “FLOCKA”, let alone “Brick Squad” or “Oh Let’s Do It.”  Is a mellow, contemplative Flocka the natural byproduct of frequent collaborator/friend Slim Dunkin’s death?  Probably.  But if I wanted to hear songs about friends and family, I’d go to church, not the trap house.  On a positive note, it’ll be fun to tally the number of times “Damn son, where’d you find this?” appears.

Related: Is anyone else slightly confused by the Brick Squad cardinal and Hollister seagull’s shared resemblance?

Cleveland Browns Training Camp, July-August

The highlight of my training camp experience last year was asking Titus Brown if he actually matriculated to Go Ham University to pursue an advanced degree in Hamanology (a claim that he had tweeted months earlier).  A gleeful Titus confirmed my suspicions with a salute.  That’s respect!  This season, I plan to make at least one Nevin Shapiro joke to Travis Benjamin, find out what Thaddeus Lewis looks like, and hopefully see Tank (and Shaq) again:

Things I’m Not Excited For

The Dark Knight Rises, July 31

In 2008, I likened The Dark Knight to the career of Tupac or Biggie—that is, the art became overshadowed and consequently overrated by a death.  If Biggie still graced the earth with his girth, people wouldn’t fawn over “Big Poppa’s” lyricism; if Heath Ledger was breathing in 2012, his performance as the Joker wouldn’t have been nearly as acclaimed.  However, Ledger’s acting was good (above average, even) and will be sorely missed in the third installment of this series.  Anne Hathaway, really?

Miami Heat Winning an NBA Title, June

SMH!

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